Alienable Rights
political satire
3
A Little Plumbing
OSWALD KENNEDY had the best collection of firearms in Longview County. He also had enough supplies in his little compound to last a year. His neighbors had complained about the eight-foot-tall brick wall he’d built around his compound, but there was no zoning law against it. He’d put iron gates at the only entrance and broken glass along the top. No one would have cared if his compound wasn’t right on Oak Street, a block from the center of town.
He only came out of the compound once a week to have coffee at Sarah Lee’s Diner, and pick up groceries for the week. Groceries because he had a weakness for good steaks and taking them out of his freezer just wasn’t the same as getting them fresh from the butcher. Coffee at Sarah Lee’s so he could keep up with the current gossip—or rather news.
So, Thursday morning, October 30th, found him sipping the strong black coffee Sarah Lee served for fifty cents a cup, fifty cents a refill, fifty cents for a warm-up, and fifty cents for just a little more. He listened to the tales the locals were passing around. Oswald didn’t have a television, radio, or computer because he didn’t want to be subject to all that fake news and that was how the AIs spied on you. He didn’t much like any of his neighbors, but he trusted them. Unreasonably, since most of them were passing on news they’d read in memes on social media.
“Nobody here would care about it at all if Stacy Gwinner hadn’t said her husband was on that flight. I even wonder if that was true,” Bert Beeson said. As mayor of the town of Longview, he easily commanded attention from the other coffee drinkers—half of whom had come in from surrounding farms to get the morning mail at the post office.
“I think she was just using the story to get her truck upgraded,” Lyle Staudinger said. “She went into Rick Paulson’s to get that old F150 serviced so it would be ready to take her to West Virginia if the government called to have her identify the body. He’s such a sap. He put four new tires on it, replaced her broken taillight, changed the oil, sparkplugs, filters, and topped up the coolant for her. You know, all she has to do is pretend she’s breastfeeding that kid of hers and guys drool over her tits.”
“No. It’s for real. Darrell’s receptionist, Kristin, over at the Exchange, said Stacy was waiting at the office yesterday when the airline called her and told her they didn’t know what happened, but her husband was confirmed to have been on that flight,” Don Randall said. As Stacy’s father he didn’t like hearing negative things about his daughter, but he was a realist and knew his daughter’s reputation well. “Besides, she dumped little Cray off with Bea and me so she could leave at a moment’s notice.”
“Or so she could make a few fast bucks to pay for the trip,” one of the guys at another table whispered.
Don pretended he didn’t hear. Oswald took notice. He’d always had a thing for Stacy. Back when she was in high school, she always walked home past his compound. She’d stop almost every day to adjust her books or tie her shoes. She always stopped right in front of his security camera.
“l did some research of my own,” Bert said, meaning he’d done a Google search. “These aliens have been around for years. Goes back before Area 51.”
“Why we never hear about ’em?”
“They’re masters of disguise. Can pass themselves off as completely human. Maybe even as dogs and cats. Secret government records show 100,000 of them were deported with other illegal aliens in the past six months, but they never made it to the prisons down south. Just disappeared.”
“There ain’t none of them around here,” Oswald said. “I helped ICE round up all the aliens in the county back in July. We shipped out sixteen of them.”
“Yeah, well one was my brother-in-law,” Lyle said. “He wasn’t illegal.”
“I ain’t saying no administrative errors were made, but we’re a lot safer here now,” Oswald insisted.
The truth was Lyle never liked his brother-in-law anyway, so he wasn’t that upset. His sister had rolled her eyes and said she should have known better than to spread her legs for a migrant worker. But he did have a green card.
“We need to mobilize the militia,” Oswald continued.
“Oswald, we don’t have a militia in this town and no one is going to elect you colonel so you can start one,” Bert said.
“Well, you just wait. When them aliens are swarming all over town and I’m the only hope, you’ll be pounding on my gates to let you in,” Oswald said, getting up to leave. “Just see if I open them up for you!” He stormed out of the diner.
“Yeah, yeah,” Don muttered. “Who’s in charge of the haunted church this year?”
“That would be Patience Plunkett,” Bert answered. “We met last night and agreed to do a new scene based on all this alien stuff. Got Kristin Davies to volunteer when it looked like Stacy was going to back out. She’s a hot little number. Darrell sure knows how to pick ’em. Don’t know who else she’s got set up, but I think most of the town is in it, like usual. She’s the only one who will know who is who.”
“That will be fun,” Lyle said. “The corn maze is ready. I expect there will be kids trying it out after school today. Brett did a good job with it.”
“How big is it this year?” Bert asked.
“I left ten acres for him to work with. The thing is huge with more places to get lost in than you can imagine. We’ll go out Saturday morning and pick the rest so we’ll find anyone who’s still lost,” Lyle laughed.
They kept yammering for a while and eventually, all left before the noon rush came in for lunch.
Normally, Oswald would head straight to Dollar General to get his fresh food. He didn’t like to stay away from his compound for too long. He always felt vulnerable, even though he carried a Ruger Security-9mm on his hip. He had other arms that weren’t obvious. Kansas had both open and concealed carry without a permit. He wanted people to know he was armed, but not how well.
He hauled his collapsible grocery cart over to Court Avenue and turned north toward 3rd St. He hadn’t been over here recently, but he knew the place well. He slipped around the back, looked around, and went up to knock on the door. A minute later, Stacy Gwinner opened the door and looked at him. Oswald caught his breath.
Stacy wore a button-down shirt tied under her boobs and a pair of Daisy Dukes. She was barefoot and looked like a wet dream.
“Mr. Kennedy,” she said softly. “I haven’t seen you in so long, I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”
“I didn’t want to disturb you with your little one,” he said.
“But now?”
“I just stopped by to offer my comfort for your missing husband,” Oswald said.
“Yeah, it’s a drag. Come on in,” Stacy said. Oswald followed her butt cheeks into the kitchen.
“I just wanted to check and see if you were in need of anything. I could help out a little if you had any little tasks your husband would ordinarily take care of,” Oswald suggested as she waved him to the table and reached for the pot of coffee she always had brewed.
“Oh, that’s so nice of you,” Stacy said dramatically. “There might be one or two things you could help with. I’m just so lost without a man in the house.”
Stacy laid it on thick, but Oswald lapped it up like a kitten with cream. Now that they were sitting across the table from each other, Stacy’s breasts seemed freer under the oversize shirt. Each time she shifted, another portion of one boob or the other was revealed. It was tantalizing.
“You know I’ll do whatever I can for you,” Oswald said.
“Oh, I know you will!”
Stacy led him upstairs and into the master bedroom.
“The bathroom shower keeps dripping,” she complained. “Could you see if it has a leak?”
Oswald was handy. After all, he’d installed all the security at his compound and had handled wiring, plumbing, and even masonry. And it all worked—most of the time. He stepped past Stacy into the bathroom and pulled the curtain aside so he could examine the shower. It was dripping a bit and he pulled out his Leatherman to tighten the screw on the faucet handle a little. The drip stopped. In the process, he bumped against a penis sticking out from the wall.
“Oops!” Stacy said. “I guess I left Momma’s little helper in the shower. It works okay, but there’s nothing like the real thing.”
She was pressed against his back as she reached in to stroke the dildo once. He could feel her boobs pressed against him. He turned slowly and dragged her shirt open wider as she stayed up close to him. It looked like the knot that had been tied under her breasts was completely undone. Her left nipple came fully into view.
“Oh. I think it might be leaking a little here, too,” she said, pulling his face down to her tit.
She hadn’t actually breastfed Cray, so never leaked from her nipples, but Oswald couldn’t have sucked more in earnest if she’d been lactating scotch.
“Yesss,” she hissed. “Maybe you could find something else that’s leaking and plug it.”
He maneuvered her over to her unmade bed and unfastened the short shorts, pushing them down and off her feet. Stacy was completely bald between her legs and the first stroke of his fingers verified that she was, indeed, leaking. He shoved his own pants down and she handed him a condom.
“Better put this on, honey. We don’t want a repeat of what happened last time.”
Oswald chuckled a little, acknowledging that he knew little Cray was his brat, not Darrell’s—an ‘accident’ just last Halloween. As soon as he was securely wrapped, he leaned forward and pushed his meat into her. Stacy was the best at this. She was active and noisy. He plowed into her repeatedly, bouncing against her pubic bone. He couldn’t tell she’d ever had a baby. She was as tight as she’d been when he took her virginity on her way home from school that one time.
He leaned forward and captured one of her nipples in his lips. Then he bit it viciously.
“Yeah! Fuck! I’m cumming! Fuck!” she screamed. With that announcement and the feeling in her pussy, Oswald let go with a flood of his own into the condom. “Oh, baby. You do it so good! Nobody ever bites me like you do. You know, that’s why I didn’t breastfeed Cray? I mean besides it being gross. I didn’t want to lose the feeling in my tits. If I had you any more often, I’d probably still go numb eventually.”
“What can I do for you, Stacy?” Oswald asked. He rolled to the side and began fingering her wet slit, seeing if he could bring her to another cum.
“That’s nice. You know cash is always welcome. Darrell never even put me on the bank account. I just live on the money he leaves me. And what I can earn, you know.”
“I got the grocery money on me,” Oswald said. “I’ll give you that.” He figured he could use a credit card at Dollar General.
“Oh, that’s so nice of you. But you know what else I could use even more? With Darrell missing and he’s the only one with the key to the gun safe, I feel awful vulnerable here all by myself. What if there are aliens? Why, they’d just come in here and have their way with little ol’ me. I’d end up having a little green baby. Could you leave me one of your guns?”
“Yeah. I wouldn’t want you alone and vulnerable. Why, anybody could just break in and do you. This Ruger is lightweight and packs a punch. I’ll leave that with you.”
“You’re so good to me. Wanna fuck again?”
Elsewhere in town, things were more mundane, but no less intense. For example, in Mrs. Tomlinson’s fifth grade class, she was going over the rules for Halloween the next day.
“You may all wear your costumes tomorrow, but you must keep a few things in mind. First, even if your ‘character’ has a distinct facial characteristic, you may not wear a mask or anything that covers your face to school. This is an important policy so we know who our students are. You don’t want an extraterrestrial sneaking into class pretending to be your classmate!”
The students giggled. Mrs. Tomlinson was always entertaining.
“And speaking of spacemen, the school board has set a rule that alien costumes are forbidden,” she said.
“Space aliens or illegal aliens?” little Johnny asked.
“Johnny, go immediately to the principal’s office. We’ll have no reference to undocumented visitors in this class. No. Don’t ask another question. Tell the principal what you said.”
Johnny grumbled and took his notebook with him to go visit the principal. His book wasn’t for notes. He was a pretty good artist and had nearly filled this particular notebook with sketches of what he believed space aliens would look like. He specifically planned to wear a costume based on one of his sketches and had been working on it for two weeks.
Back in class, Mrs. Tomlinson continued her discussion of the rules.
“Now, let’s talk about trick-or-treating,” she said. “Who can tell me one of the rules for going house to house?” Many hands went up. “Susie?”
“Only go to houses you or your parents know the owners of,” she said.
“Very good! Philomena?”
“Don’t go to a house with no porchlight on,” said the little girl. She hated her name, but at least her parents let her go out on Halloween, unlike Deb’s parents. They considered Halloween sinful.
“Be home by nine,” offered Lionel. He’d memorized the rule, but because of his dark skin, his parents forbade him from staying out after dark—because you never can tell who might not want a black kid kicking around town at night.
“Don’t throw toilet paper at the compound,” Becca said.
“Absolutely, do NOT throw toilet paper at the compound. Mr. Kennedy has threatened to shoot anyone who breaches his walls, no matter who or how old! And he’s crazy enough to do it,” Mrs. Tomlinson said.
“Stay away from the cemetery church,” Jenny said.
“Very good. The cemetery church is where adults go for a haunted house and all the people from out of town. It’s much too dangerous for children to go where all those nasty strangers are. You can all come to the haunted house in the gym at five. It will be lots of fun.”
The kids all groaned.
“Now tell me exactly what you said and what your teacher said,” Mr. Davies, the principal, said to little Johnny. “You don’t need to edit at all. If you are in trouble for something in the classroom, you won’t get in more trouble for the same thing by repeating it here.”
“Yes, sir,” Johnny said respectfully. “Mrs. Tomlinson said the school board has forbidden alien costumes.”
Mr. Davies nodded. He didn’t agree with the policy, but people were upset about the buzz regarding aliens abducting an airplane. If Darrell Gwinner hadn’t been on that plane, no one would have thought twice about it. As far as Mr. Davies was concerned, it was good riddance. His daughter, Kristin, had been acting secretive ever since she took the job as Darrell’s assistant at the Exchange. He had a feeling something shady was going on.
“Okay. And you said?” Mr. Davies asked.
“I asked if she meant space aliens or illegal aliens. Then Mrs. Tomlinson sent me here and said we’d have no mention of undocumented visitors in her classroom.” Johnny stopped. As far as he was concerned, that was the end of the discussion.
Mr. Davies sighed. It was another school policy he didn’t agree with and most teachers didn’t pay attention to.
“Liberal do-gooders gone amuck,” he said. “Do you have a costume ready?”
“Yes, sir,” Johnny said, opening his sketchbook. He showed Mr. Davies the pictures he’d drawn of aliens and how his costume would look. Mr. Davies especially liked the flippers.
“Okay, Johnny. I’m going to suspend you for one day. Tomorrow. Today’s almost over. That means you don’t have to come to school tomorrow, so you can dress in any goddam costume you want to. I hope you have some fun.”
“Yes, sir. Um… Am I supposed to be upset or happy?”
“Well, you should look upset when you see your school friends, but you don’t have to be upset. Let’s keep this between you and me. I don’t think I need to call your parents,” Mr. Davies said with a wink.
Johnny grinned at him and sat quietly in the outer office drawing in his notebook until the end of school bell rang.
“Don’t you want to get a bag of candy for the trick-or-treaters?” Josephine asked at the Dollar General.
Oswald frowned at her. He’d spent most of the afternoon with Stacy. In Stacy as much as possible. There might even have been an accident or two, but she was married, so it didn’t make a difference if she got pregnant again. That girl was as tight as she’d been when she’d entered high school and he’d entered her the first time. But the idea of passing out candy to children on Halloween was the worst idea Oswald could think of. He didn’t say anything about that.
“It’s all too expensive,” he said. “I’ll buy a few bags of it next weekend when it’s all on sale.”
It might have sounded like he would give it away then, but it would go into his storehouse and keep him in candy for the next few months. At least until the Christmas candy went on sale.
Josephine continued to attempt being flirtatious with him, but she was almost as old as he was, for Christ’s sake. What’s she doing flirting?
As he dragged his cart home, he encountered little Johnny Malone, skipping happily along the sidewalk. The two almost collided.
“Watch where you’re going!” Oswald shouted, reaching for his Ruger before remembering he’d left it with Stacy.
“Sorry, sir!” Johnny gulped. Having Mrs. Tomlinson mad at him was nothing compared to having Mr. Kennedy mad.
“What are you so happy about?” Oswald growled.
“Oh… um… well… I kind of got suspended from school for a day,” Johnny said. “That means I can go around in my Halloween costume all day tomorrow. It will be so cool! Are you going to shoot trick-or-treaters this year?”
“Yeah. I won’t kill any of them. I’ll use rubber bullets. Crowd control rounds. You come around the compound and I’ll put one right in your skinny ass!”
“Oh, wow! Not me. If you want to shoot a really skinny ass, you should try Becca’s. I don’t think she’s got an ass at all! Besides,” Johnny lowered his voice. “I heard she plans to try TPing your wall again this year.”
“Hmm. Some kids never learn. Well, watch out for aliens,” Oswald said, pulling his cart past Johnny.
Johnny breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’ve got it all arranged,” Brett said as he pressed himself against Bridget. He’d driven the truck to school, just so he could drive Bridget home with a little detour down the track behind the corn maze. He’d been working all week laying out the maze according to the map he’d drawn. People could get lost in it. It excited him.
“Take it easy. We aren’t going all the way in this pickup,” she said, pushing his hand away from her crotch. She didn’t mind the hand on her breast. She was used to that.
“Of course not. But tomorrow night, I’ll drive the tractor around to pick up all the kids we invited. I’m going to put fresh straw down on the trailer—not that scratchy hay we had last year. We’ll go out and howl at the moon for a while and then I’ll drive back and let all the others off in town. All except you. We’ll head back to the farm and park in the barn, then we’ve got the rest of the night on a nice straw bed where no one can see us.”
“How am I supposed to stay out all night? You know I have a midnight curfew,” Bridget said, letting him push her bra up so he could handle her bare breast.
“That’s the brilliant part of the plan. Sheldon and Elaine are going to hide in the straw when I let the other kids off. They’re staying with us for the night. You tell your parents you’re staying with Elaine and she’ll tell hers she’s staying with you. No one the wiser. Sheldon is telling his parents that he’s staying the night with me so he can help with picking the rest of this corn Saturday.”
“You mean you want to do it with Sheldon and Elaine right there to see us?” Bridget asked in shock.
“They’re going to be too busy with each other to see anything we’re doing.”
“Sheldon and Elaine. Wow! I never guessed.”
Bridget got lost kissing Brett and guessed she didn’t mind his hand worming its way between her legs after all.
